after shocks

i didn't really want to blog much about grief here. i had another blog that i used around the time that i lost my dad and all, which i have since retired because it became too engulfed in that sadness.

but grief has been tearing at me again a lot the past few months, and i feel the need to get it out. somehow writing it always helps me a bit to work through it.

my mom is getting remarried.

she's with a great guy, and i think this will be a good thing...for her.
i'm happy that she's happy.

but as for me, it's been ripping me apart. like ripping the scabs off of a wound that was starting to heal.

the grief of first losing my dad was the worst...but this may be the most difficult.

difficult because it's not simple. when he was suddenly taken from us we grieved hard and the world grieved with us. pain was the only thing we could feel.

but now i grieve alone. and my grief is one that most people don't understand...it's a grief that people might even judge me for...it's a grief that i feel the need to hide because it might hurt others.

but like the previous grief, it's a thing i can't control.
i wish i could.

this grief is like another reality of my dad being gone. it's also a grief for the only family i ever knew.
some pieces of that family may still exist, but they're all fragmented and scattered about now...and this is like the final nail in the coffin.

i know that time will heal...and eventually these new changes will give me joy.
but for now it hurts. i hate being thrown back into grief again.